I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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