I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
