New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
