someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
