i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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