woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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