I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
They have beer where we have blood.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
