You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
my poor anus
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
