i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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