I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
