I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
