i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Come share oat with me in your robe
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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