he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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