i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
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