I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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