yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
