The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
