i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
