So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
