remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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