I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
