it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
