Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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