I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize