Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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