Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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