There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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