Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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