i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
