Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
She needs sedatives and a leash
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize