Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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