I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
