Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
