mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
