how do flat chested girls get laid?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
