Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
