I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
