fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
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I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
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So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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