woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
someone owes me an orgasm
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
