theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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