So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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