Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
