I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
