so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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