when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dick very happy bro
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
