24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
