I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
