Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I did not marry a roomba.
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