my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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