The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
God, I missed his penis.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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