Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
