the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
