so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
