I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
