I puked a lego.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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