dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
