Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
