im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
