I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.