I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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