I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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