You're completely useless in the revolution.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
