Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Randomize
