The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
17 year olds will be the death of me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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