evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
don't judge my taste in strippers
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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