i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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